


Catfished

by Wildflame



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Humor, M/M, Marauders, Muggle London, Texting, drunken mix ups
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:30:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9779081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wildflame/pseuds/Wildflame
Summary: Lily wakes up after a night of heavy drinking with a mysterious number on the back of her hand. Certain that it belongs to the idiot that was hitting on her the night before, Sirius embarks on a little prank...





	1. Chapter 1

Friday 10th March- 21:30 pm.

Remus stood at his wardrobe looking into the mirror on the back of the door. He sighed as he ruffled his hair in an attempt to give it more volume. His fringe fell back flat against his forehead exactly where it had been before. He sighed again. 

“Look James,” he said, once his friend’s grumbling had petered out. “I know it will probably be corny and you won’t like the music and it will probably fail to meet any of my expectations but I’ve been in London almost six months now and I haven’t been yet and it’s my birthday so we’re going to Heaven. OK?”

“But Mooooooony,” cried James from Remus’ bed, melodramatically throwing an arm over his eyes. “What if a guy tries to hit on me?”

“Well, then you will know the incredible fear I feel every time a girl hits on me at your sports nights,” Remus told him curtly.

The desk chair swivelled round to reveal Peter precariously balancing three shot glasses. He snorted, “No one hits on you, Moony,” he said before adding a “Drink up lads!” as he handed the other two boys a drink. 

***

Remus had already been very drunk by the time they had arrived at the club. Despite this, he found himself waiting at the bar trying to get another drink. It was his birthday after all. 

He waited patiently at the bar when another man squeezed in next to him. It wasn’t long before the new guy had caught the bartender’s eye and placed his order.

“How’d you do that?” slurred Remus.

“Hmm, what?” shouted the other guy over the thumping music, turning to look at Remus. At this point, drunk Remus noticed what sober Remus would have noticed long before: long sleek black hair, flipped carelessly over one shoulder, tattoos menacingly displayed by a loose sleeveless shirt; and dark piercing grey eyes waiting for a response. Remus’ stomach flip-flopped.

“Um… er… nothing,” Remus shouted back, looking away, face burning. “I guess it’s just good genes,” he smiled sheepishly.

“You bet they are,” the other man shouted grinning wildly. “They’re D&G!” He slapped his own hand over a tightly clad buttock. Remus eyes were drawn down there as well. _Whatever ‘dingy’ meant, they were indeed very good jeans,_ he noted.

At that moment the bartender reappeared with the new guy’s order. “This guy’s next!” he told the bartender, handing over some notes. 

Remus ordered his own beverages, and the tattooed man waited with him. “I like your jeans too. Where did you get yours?”

“Er…” Remus said looking down at the denim almost as if he was surprised to see them there. “Dunno. My mum got these I think, so probably Tesco.” As soon as the words had left his mouth, Remus regretted them.

The tattooed man threw back his head, revealing even more tattoos on his neck and laughed loudly. “You are too cute!” he shouted. “Oh shit,” he added as he noticed something over Remus’ shoulder. “I’m really sorry. Some idiot is hitting on my friend over there, she only came out today if we promised her no one would. She’s just been through a horrible break up. Honestly, it’s a _GAY_ bar!” he said, as he moved away from Remus with a little wave. “See you around, Tesco.”

Remus craned his neck to follow the guy with the tight ‘dingy’ jeans with his eyes. He was headed straight towards where James stood leaning on the wall flirting with a very pretty, slightly uncomfortable looking redhead. _Dammit James,_ Remus thought to himself, _how do you manage to cockblock me from across the room?_

“Hey, are you gonna pay?” shouted the bartender, jolting Remus back to reality where he was not strangling James. To be fair, he told himself, the whole ‘mum bought my jeans from Tesco’ was probably the true culprit here. Not that he’d tell James that.

***

Saturday 11th March- Early hours of the morning.

“All I’m saying, mate,” said James as they left the club. “Is that a crime such as cockblocking must require at least ‘intention’ as _mens rea_. Therefore, I could not have committed such a crime unknowingly.”

“Piss off James, you can’t just win arguments by using your posh Latin phrases,” said Peter gently knocking his elbow into James side. 

“I’m don’t win arguments by using Latin. I win arguments through excellent lawyering,” said James pushing him back and knocking him into Remus. 

“Oi! Hey James isn’t that the girl you were hitting on?” he said, nodding his head towards two girls who were standing at the far end of the smoking area.

“Ooh yeah,” said James excitedly. “Come on Moons, go give her your number.”

“What? Why?” 

“To give to her friend, you idiot,” said James rolling his eyes. Grabbing onto Remus’ arm he dragged him towards the girls. 

“Hey, hey it’s me James,” he shouted far more loudly than necessary. Several people turned around to stare.

“What’s your problem mate? I told you I wasn’t interested,” said the redheaded girl as she dropped her cigarette and stamped it out. 

“No, not me. Here this is my friend Remus,” replied James, not at all put out by the girl’s response. 

“I’m not interested in a-n-ybody,” she said moving her hand in a circle in front of James to make a point of the last word. 

“Look, I’m sorry, he’s drunk,” said Remus hurriedly. “It’s just your friend, with the long hair, tattoos- if I gave you my number could you give it to him?” asked Remus quickly adding a “please.”

“Sirius?” she asked brightly suddenly becoming much more friendly.

“Yeah, yeah, I am serious,” Remus replied relieved. “I mean if he’s not interested, like obviously no pressure. But just in case.”

“Sure! Do you have a pen?”

Remus fished one out of his jacket pocket. “Er. I don’t have any paper.”

“Just write it on my hand, here,” she said extending her arm to him. 

***

“Neurghhh,” groaned Lily as she rolled over hitting Mary with a flailing arm. “Neurghhh,” she groaned again as the lights from the almost closed curtains hit her eyes. 

“Shut up, Lily, I’m trying to sleep,” scolded Mary as she pulled the duvet over her head.

“Yeah shut up, Lily,” chimed in Sirius from the floor.

“Shut up the both of you,” she rolling back the other way so she was on her front again, arm hanging over the side of the bed.

“What’s on the back of your hand lily?” asked Sirius curiously, sounding far more awake than was reasonable in Lily’s opinion. “I thought you weren’t on the pull last night.”

“What?” asked Lily her voice muffled by the pillow. She lifted her head up and brought her hand up to look at it, “Oh,” she said staring blankly at the number scrawled on the back of it.

“What’s Lily got on her hand?” asked Mary reappearing from under the duvet.

“Someone’s number,” said Sirius sitting up to look at Mary on the other side of Lily. “Do you think it was that guy who was hitting on you at the club?”

“Maybe, I don’t really remember,” mused Lily.

“Oh yeah, his friend gave it to you outside when we were smoking!” said Mary excitedly.

“Ha! Not even brave enough to give it to you himself!” snorted Sirius. “You know what this mean Lils?”

“What?” she asked him sluggishly leaning her head back against the pillow.

“It means we have been given a gift: the perfect opportunity to prank a fuckboy!” he told her enthusiastically.

“Huh?” asked Lily.

“Oooh!” said Mary her eyes bright. “We could sign him up to all sorts of things? Or just hand it out to any other guy who asks for your number?”

“Or,” added Sirius with a coy raise of his eyebrow. “I could catfish him.”

“Catfish him?” asked Lily. 

“Yeah, you know pretend to be you, arrange a date, get him all excited and then he will turn up and it will be me!” Sirius explained undeterred.

“What are you going to do then?” asked Mary.

“Well, I haven’t got it all worked out yet. I’ve only just woken up, Mary dearest.”

“HE TEXTED ME!!” Remus roared as he ran down the corridor knocking loudly on Peter’s door. 

***

“What the actual fuck mate?” Peter appeared at the door, his duvet over his head. 

“He texted me! He texted me!” Remus said more quietly this time, but with the same excitement. Remus ran down the corridor to James room. “PRONGS! PRONGS!” There was no response but his door was unlocked. He ran in and grabbed the sleeping boy by the shoulders, “WAKE UP JAMES!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed James. 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Remus screamed back.

“Shut up the both of you,” shouted Peter as he slammed the door behind him. “Some girl just came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up. At me!” he said indignantly. “What did he say?”

“What did who say?” asked James. 

“THE GUY FROM THE CLUB LAST NIGHT!” Remus practically burst with excitement.

“No way! That’s awesome mate, what did he say?” asked James sitting up. His smile showed he shared his friend’s excitement.

“Here read it!” said Remus, shoving the phone in James’ direction.

“‘Hey handsome, it’s me from the club last night!’ Ooh! He’s really into you Moony, good one!”

“What you’re going to say?” asked Peter, now perching alongside Remus on James’ bed.

“I dunno, ‘hey’?” replied Remus. “Hey! Give it back James.” Remus wrestled the phone out of James’ hand which had already started to write what Remus was sure would be a very embarrassing text. 

“You can’t just say ‘hey’, Moony. You need something more interesting to start the conversation,” said Peter sagely.

“Well what?” asked Remus.

“What about ‘Hey sexy beast, wanna fuck?!’?” said James gleefully. 

“No,” Remus told him flatly. “I’m just going to say ‘hey’. Look I’m doing it now. Done. Sent. If he wants to carry on the conversation he can, if not then not.”

“But he started the conversation Remus,” said Peter. “It’s your responsibility to continue it, or else it will just die.”

“Well, I’ve done it now,” said Remus sullenly. 

“Send something else Moony,” shouted James, falling back against his bed melodramatically. “Don’t murder this conversation! Have mercy please! Have mercy!”

“Alright, alright.” 

***

“‘Hey!’ All he said was ‘Hey!’. What’s he playing at?” said Sirius angrily stabbing the last bit of bacon on his plate whilst shaking his phone in the other hand.

“I don’t know Sirius, what were you expecting back?” asked Lily nibbling on some toast, her stomach only feeling a little better after being emptied ten minutes ago.

“I don’t know something more fuckboyish!” said Sirius exasperated, just as his phone vibrated again. “Ooh a double texter,” he exclaimed suddenly cheerful again. “‘How are you?’! ‘How are you?’? This is not what I signed up for when I agreed to catfish him for you.”

“You practically begged her to let you do this!” Mary defended Lily between mouthfuls. “You’re just going to catfish him better.”

“Fine. I will,” he answered back defiantly. 

“He’s now asking to tell him more about myself?” said Remus. The boys were now sat on James floor snacking on some bread and jam he had stashed in his room. They had missed breakfast downstairs in the cafeteria. “What should I say?”

“I don’t know. Normal stuff, what you’re studying, what A-levels you did,” said James.

“Do not tell him what A-levels you did,” Peter told him sternly.

***

Sirius’ phone vibrated as he sat down on the upper deck of the bus on his way home from Lily’s halls. 

**New message from Fuckboy. Received at 11:13am.** I’m in my first year at Uni- I’m studying Biomedical Engineering at UCL. Don’t really do much else except sleep and play video games I guess. What about you?

Sirius grinned, and quickly sent an update to Lily and Mary on Facebook before beginning to compose his masterpiece.

**Message to 'The Gang' from Sirius Black:** He’s such a nerd! I’m going to have so much fun with this!

***

“Oh god!” groaned Remus putting his head into his arms. “He’s an underwear model.”

“Isn’t that like a good thing?” asked James.

“I can’t date a model, James. Look at me,” said the forlorn looking Remus lifting his head from his arms.

“Hey, don’t get ahead of yourself. You’re not dating yet,” said Peter. “What did the rest of the text say?”

“Yeah let’s have a look,” said James, making a dive for the phone.

“Oh no way, I will read it out,” said Remus suddenly distracted from his woes. He cleared his throat “It says: ‘Ooh that sounds interesting. I’m studying History of Art at Courtauld’s. I’m a fresher too. I also do a bit of modelling from time to time. Nothing big, just some lingerie shoots.’”

“Isn’t lingerie, like, girls’ underwear? Bras and things?” asked James looking quite scandalised.

“I dunno, I just thought it was posh for underwear,” shrugged Remus. 

“What’s Courtauld’s?” asked Peter.

“The Courtauld Institute,” answered James sagely. “The other university at Somerset House, they only do Art History stuff.”

“Mate, you don’t study at Somerset House. You study in the concrete block next to it,” said Peter. “What’s wrong Remus?”

“I don’t know. I think I’m going to have a shower before I reply see if I can think up anything interesting to say about myself,” said Remus glumly.

*** 

Remus stepped out of the shower feeling much cleaner although not feeling any more interesting than he had before. He sighed loudly as he wrapped himself in a towel before opening the door to his cold bedroom. Through the steam he saw James standing gleefully, Remus’ phone in one hand and one of Remus’ chocolate covered digestive biscuits in another.

“What have you done, James?” he asked carefully, bile already rising up his oesophagus. “James what have you done?!”

***

**Message to The Gang from Sirius Black:** Yes! I’ve finally got something fuckboyish out of him!

***  
**You at 12:04:** That’s sexy wanna fuck?

**+447877 34038 at 12:06:** Sure thing! Always up for some fun with hotties like you. When are you free?

**You at 12:15:** I’m really, really sorry my friend sent that when I was in the shower. Not that I’m not interested in you or anything, but maybe would you like to go for a drink first?

**You at 12:15:** Sorry if that was rude.

**+447877 34038 at 12:17:** Of course, babe. Drinks sounds good, are you free Tuesday?

**You at 12:21:** Yes, is 7ish ok?

**+447877 34038 at 12:17:** Looking forward to it already.

***

**Message to The Gang from Sirius Black:** Catfished!

***

Tuesday 14th March- 7ish.

Remus cautiously approached the stranger at the bar laughing at something the waitress had said. It was the pub that had been agreed on and the stranger had long black hair like _the beautiful tattooed man and lingerie model TM._ However, this time the hair was up in a bun and the tattoos, if there were any, were hidden under a leather jacket with the collar turned up. _It’s him,_ Remus told himself firmly. _Just do it._

“Hi,” Remus managed to squeak. 

The stranger turned around and fixed his grey eyes on Remus. “Oh hey,” he said smiling widely. “It’s you from the other night- Tesco! What are you doing here?”

“Erm, am I not meeting you?” asked Remus. “Were you expecting someone else? Oh my god! I’m so sorry.” Remus turned ready to flee what he now deemed the most embarrassing experience of his short life.

“What? Wait you’re not fuckboy- you can’t be!” exclaimed Sirius loudly, stopping poor Remus’ escape.

“Fuckboy? I’m Remus,” said Remus he said slowly. 

“I’m going to kill Lily,” the man growled.

“Lily?” 

“My friend Lily. She woke up Saturday morning with this number on her hand and she couldn’t remember who gave it to her. We thought it was that guy who was trying to flirt with her all night. The one with stupid hair,” explained the man.

“James?” asked Remus.

“James?” the man asked.

“My friend James was hitting on your friend at the club. We then met her outside and he persuaded me to give her my number so that she could give it to you.”

“But she forgot and thought it was your friend’s number,” said the beautiful tattooed man who was probably not a lingerie model after all, realisation dawning on his face. “So when I thought I was catfishing him, it was actually you all along!”

“Yeah,” laughed Remus. “You know, I think you and James, or Fuckboy rather, would actually get on. He also has a habit of pulling pranks that go terribly wrong.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say this one has gone terribly wrong,” said the man, flashing Remus smile which made his insides go funny again. “Can I get you a drink, Remus? I’m Sirius by the way.”

“Serious about what?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James knows the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach. Problem is he can't cook!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [snakeowls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/snakeowls/pseuds/snakeowls) and [GoodFrith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFrith) for being awesome betas and spurring me on to get this done!

**Saturday 8th July 2017**

Outside of Charing Cross station, in amongst the throngs of people walking down the road towards Trafalgar Square, their small trio: Remus, James and Peter, stood waiting.

“They’re never going to find us here,” said James, standing on his tiptoes looking over the heads of the people exiting the station. In the spirit of Pride, much to Remus’s dismay, James had decided to don a pink tutu, and it bounced up and down as he tried to get a better view.

“We should’ve said we’d meet them at Embankment,” grumbled Peter.

“Well, Sirius is on the tube now. He won’t get my text until it’s too –“ Remus was suddenly interrupted as two arms came around him from behind and pulled him around into a kiss.

Someone in the crowd whooped. James rolled his eyes. Trust Sirius to make a spectacle of his arrival.

 He stopped, however, mid eye-roll when he noticed the pretty red head behind Sirius.

“Hey Lily,” he said, in what he thought was a casual yet suave move. He ran his hands through his hair for the ultimate effect.

"You!" Sirius dragged his lips away from Remus's and stood pointing at James. "Get away from her."

James took a step back, wide eyed and his hands held up in surrender. "What did I do?" he asked innocently.

"Sirius," Remus grumbled quietly, pulling on the front of his open leather jacket.

"He was being creepy," Sirius turned to Remus. "We agreed he could come as long as he wasn't creepy."

"You what?" interrupted James, outraged. "You agreed I could come?! This is a free and public event celebrating acceptance and tolerance and you.. and you agreed... And I am not creepy! That was not creepy..." He gestured around himself lost for words, a situation he did not normally find himself in.

"It was a bit creepy," volunteered Peter. "You did the hair thing."

"I..." James opened his mouth to defend himself but was cut short by Remus.

"Look James, it wasn't like that," said Remus sternly. "Sirius expressed concerns about your creepiness, I reassured him you would behave. Now can we all get along and have a good time please."

"No," said James and Sirius at exactly the same time, in exactly the same tone.

"Oh shush, the lot of you! I am quite able to defend myself from people running their hands through their hair," said Lily pushing through the four boys to join the crowds walking towards the parade.

"C'mon Pete," said James with exaggerated huff. "Lets go have fun." He strode off behind Lily, his ridiculous tutu flouncing around him as he walked.

"You know," said Remus quietly as he placed a kiss just below Sirius's ear. "The two of you are more similar than you think. I reckon you’d get on like a house on fire if you both weren’t so stubborn."

"Piss off," said Sirius, as he pulled Remus back into a kiss before following their friends before they disappeared into the crowd.

 

* * *

 

Later that evening, no sooner had the four boys waved goodbye to Lily and taken their seats on the upper deck of the bus back to Sirius’s house that James declared he had a plan.

“Oh god,” said Peter. “Here we go.”

James ignored him. “I have a date with Lily.”

“You what?” snorted Sirius.

“I have a date,” James said again, looking triumphantly into the disbelieving faces of his friends. _“With Lily.”_

“No way,” said Sirius. “There is absolutely no way… You see what I mean,” he said turning to Remus, “the guy is delusional!”

“I am not delusional,” James complained. “Or creepy.” He added. “Ok so it’s not technically a date, date. But it’s a start.”

“Ok then,” said Remus cautiously. James always had a plan. And it was always ridiculous, and bound to fail. “What do you need our help with?”

“Basically, tomorrow I’m going to go to her place after she finishes her shift and I am going to make her a curry. And I need you all to help because it’s got to be amazing,” he rushed out like an excited child.

“Hold on,” said Peter. “You’re going to go to her house? Has she agreed to this or are you just showing up uninvited...”

“Like the creep that you are,” added Sirius under his breath.

“I swear this was her idea. We were chatting you know about my family, it sort of came up that I have family in India and she said that if I could make her a good curry then she’d consider going on a date with me,” James beamed.

“James mate,” said Remus, putting a hand on his shoulder as if trying to contain whatever was about to burst out of James. “You can’t fucking cook.”

“I can,” James replied indignantly. “Sort of.”

“Last time you went into our kitchen in halls you set a microwave on fire trying to warm up a brownie,” said Peter looking amused.

“That wasn’t my fault,” James tried to defend himself. “Anyway, this is exactly why I need you Peter. You made that amazing cake last year...”

“Oh I see,” interrupted Peter. “You don’t need _our_ help. You want _me_ to make this curry, because I’m the only one of us who can cook and then take all the glory for yourself.”

“No,” said James quickly. “Well, yes, but it’ll be fun. And Remus will help too, right?” he said looking imploringly at his friend. “We’ll do the chopping. You can boss us around. ” Then he added hesitantly, “And Sirius, you’ll need to keep Lily out of the kitchen so she doesn’t see that the other two are there.”

“Hey, hey- don’t drag me into this,” said Sirius. “I’m not going to be complicit in you lying to my best friend just to get into her knickers.”

“I do not just want to… that’s completely… absolutely not my intention,” said James, hand on his chest pretending to look scandalised. “Remus, keep your boyfriend in line. He doesn’t seem to know where his loyalties should lie.”

“Just give him what he wants or he’ll never shut up,” said Remus lazily patting Sirius’s knee.

“I’m gonna want some sort of reward for this,” piped up Peter.

“Peter mate, if you pull this off, you can have whatever you want.”

 

**Sunday 9th July 2017**

Armed with a couple of bags of shopping and four and a half star BBC GoodFood recipe for a so called “home-style chicken curry” the boys made their way towards Lily’s halls of residence.

“Right lads,” James said, as if he were planning a military operation. “Sirius and I will go up to the front now. Peter and Remus will go round the back and wait by the third kitchen window for me to open it. You sure it is the third Sirius?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” said Sirius. “Let’s just get on with it,” he said and started crossing the road.

Peter and Remus followed but walked off the pavement and into the grassy area with some low shrubs and disappeared round the back of the building. James, less keen to just “get on with it” reluctantly followed and schooled his nervous expression as they waited for Lily to let them into the building. Lily looked tired. She was still in her nurse’s uniform, wearing no makeup and her hair was coming out of a plait. James thought she still looked beautiful. Sirius had told him he was a pussy, when James had expressed these thoughts out loud.  

Outside in a row of nettles, crouched under what they hoped was the correct window, Peter and Remus could just about hear the voices of the other three.

“He better not take too long,” grumbled Peter. “I’ve got a train to catch at 5. As soon as this bloody curry is done, I’m out of here.”

“I swear to god,” whispered Remus. “If it weren’t for James… Fucking nutter.”

Finally, the voices ended and James leaned out of the window with a grin. “You’re alright down there?”

“Fuck off- Ow!” Remus stood up too quickly bumped his head on the window frame. James moved out of the way and Remus swung a leg over the windowsill and awkwardly clambered in so that he was sat in the sink. “I think I’m stuck.”

“Just hurry up,” said Peter, still in the nettles as James tugged on Remus. Remus finally managed to heave himself out and onto James, sending the two of them flying into the back of a nearby chair.

“I can’t get up,” came Peter’s voice from the window. He was much shorter than Remus and was struggling to get his leg over the window sill. Eventually, with both James and Remus pulling from the inside, Peter managed to hook his knee on to the edge of the sill and clamber through, rolling quite neatly over the sink and mercifully clear kitchen top. He sat up and hopped off.

“Next time, you just tell her you can’t cook and let us in through the door,” he warned James.

Despite his grumbling, Peter, now in his element, took control of the situation. “You get an onion out of the bag and start chopping it,” he instructed Remus. “And you can look for a large pan or something,” Peter he told James.

It was technically the summer holidays for all but a few unlucky students so most of the cupboards were empty. James found a decaying half-eaten malt loaf at the back of one cupboard, and eventually found a large wok and a couple of other cooking utensils in another. Meanwhile Peter was looking at the recipe intensely. “Hand over the pan,” he said holding his hand out to James without looking up. “I need oil, cumin, fennel, cinnamon and chili flakes. Remus when you are done with the onion, grate the ginger and crush the garlic. James you…” he hesitated. “You.. you can take care of the naan bread. Not yet though, it will only take about ten minutes.”

“What do I do in the meantime?”

“You can sit there and look pretty,” Peter told him. “I don’t trust you to go anywhere near knives.” James looked mildly offended, but upon realising that this meant he didn’t have to do any work he shrugged it off. He sat down at the table opposite Remus and pulled out his phone.

“I can’t believe I’m doing more work for your bloody curry than you are,” muttered Remus whose eyes were red and watering thanks to the onions.

At the stove, Peter tentatively added a two teaspoons of ground cumin to the now sizzling oil. After a tentative poke with a wooden spoon he then added the fennel seeds and other spices to the mix. Remus having finished on onion duty trudged over to Peter, turning his nose up at the fumes coming from the wok which the recipe described as a “fragrant aroma” but really just smelled like burning.

“Are you sure it’s supposed to be like that?” asked Remus.

“Well, it must be,” stammered Peter looking at the pan perplexed. “I mean you are adding tiny granules to hot oil so there is bound to be a bit of burning right?”

“Are you sure it’s supposed to go in first?” asked Remus.

“You have to cook the spices or it will be grainy,” piped up James not looking up from a video of a cat chasing a laser pointer.

Peter and Remus looked at him in awe.

“What?” he asked. “I saw it in a tv programme or something,” he shrugged.

“Well, then it must be fine,” said Peter. “It’s just cooked spices right?”

“Look here,” said Remus. “It says cumin seeds not ground cumin.”

“Yeah well there weren’t any cumin seeds in Lidl so it will have to do,” said Peter brusquely. “Hand over that onion before the rest of it starts to burn.”

Another hour passed without much incident (unless you count Remus cutting his finger on the cheesegrater, and James getting a crick in his neck when he tried to drink water straight out of the tap as ‘incidents’.). James was given the go ahead to put the naan bread in the oven, and the boys were now gathered around his phone watching vine compilation videos while the curry and a pot of rice gently simmered on the stove.

Not much later, this scene of idyllic bliss was rudely interrupted by the blaring of a loud and rather irritating fire alarm. All three jumped at the sudden noise, looked at each other briefly in shock and then made a run for the door. James made it first and pulled the door behind him roughly, trapping Remus and Peter on the other side. They banged on the door, panic rising in their eyes as the room continued to fill with smoke. _Out the window_ , James mouthed through the glass. _She can’t know you’re here!_

“James, you ok?” asked Lily who had emerged from her room with Sirius a few doors down the corridor.

James jumped at the sound of her voice. “Yeah.. fine,” he stammered. “There’s no one there. I mean, it’s just me…” He stopped abruptly.

“Okay,” she said confused, before indicating to follow her.

After a good forty-five minute wait in the drizzle at the designated fire point and a stern warning from the haggard looking accommodation manager to not leave their cooking appliances unattended in the kitchen and not to leave said cooking appliances on when exiting the building in the case of the fire alarm, the three would-be cooks and Sirius gathered in the kitchen.

“I can’t give her this,” James said morosely stirring the curry which had boiled almost dry and was speckled with burnt spices.

“Honestly James,” came Remus’s mocking voice as he lifted up a charred naan out from the oven. “You had one job.”

“The bottom of the rice isn’t looking much better,” smirked Sirius who was scraping the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon.

“Well I can’t make it again,” said Peter. “I’ll miss my train and it it’ll be sixty quid to get another ticket.”

“Look here mate,” said Sirius giving James a pat on the shoulder. “We can order a takeaway- if i pick it up on my motorbike it won’t take much longer than half an hour. Then we just plate it up, dispose of the evidence- she won’t know any different!”

“Really?” said James perking up suddenly.

“Yeah, of course.”

“A takeaway! Why didn’t anyone think of this before?” asked Peter arms raised to the heavens.

 

* * *

 

At 6:30 exactly Lily entered a pristine kitchen, with no trace of burnt curry or any hint of takeaway containers. The four boys might not be able to cook, but were quite adept at covering their tracks after mischief had taken place. They certainly had plenty of practice.  James pulled out a chair for her, placed a napkin neatly across her lap and then made a show of ladling the the curry out of a pan on the stove and onto a plate.

“Bon appétit,” he said in an attempt to sound charming. Lily rolled her eyes but dug in.

“This is really delicious, James,” she said mid-mouthful. “did you say- what kind of curry is it?” she asked.

“Oh, er.” James took a sip of water from his glass to buy him some time. “Er, hasn’t really got a name. It’s just been in the family for years you know,” he said hoping he sounded convincing. “It’s a combination of Goan spices but with more of a Kerala style… er sauce.” He gulped nervously.

“You know,” said Lily with a bit of a smug smile. “It tastes just like the chicken tikka masala I usually get from the take-away round the corner.”

“Well, obviously, it’s not the same,” said James, cursing Sirius under his breath. “Because apparently chicken tikka masala was invented by some Scottish dude.”

“Maybe, you have Scottish ancestry James,” laughed Lily. James laughed too, albeit rather nervously. “Look,” said Lily finally. “Sirius told me you can’t cook and you forced Peter and Remus to make me a curry.”

“Bastard,” James breathed.

“He’s my best friend,” Lily told him. “He wasn’t going to let you lie to me!”

“I know,” said James repentantly. “I’m sorry, I just really wanted to impress you.”

“You are absolutely mad, James,” she said. “Next time just take me out somewhere nice. No need for great escapades.”

“Yes, of course,” he nodded solemnly before pausing.“Wait next time?”

Lily shrugged and took another spoonful from her plate. “Well, one way or another you did deliver a damn good curry.”

James looked like he had choked on his naan. He recovered quickly, a grin spreading across his face “Well, that’s one thing you need to know about me, Lily Evans,” he said smoothly. “I always deliver.”

Lily snorted. “You have some nerve, Potter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments always appreciated :) 
> 
> Missing that bromance between James and Sirius? Don't worry - next chapter coming soon! (probably)
> 
> Feel free to poke me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/wild-and-flammable) until I get it done!


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